


#notsponsoredbyvaseline

by baklashrimp



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Spoilers, M/M, fe16 spoilers, this is barely spoilers but JUST IN CASE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 18:42:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20030548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baklashrimp/pseuds/baklashrimp
Summary: Byleth proposes with vaseline armor : (





	#notsponsoredbyvaseline

**Author's Note:**

> this is my discord servers fault and i refuse to read over it thank you and i hope you guys are amused 
> 
> heres the atrocity if you dont know what vaseline armor looks like: https://www.google.com/search?q=vaseline+armor&client=firefox-b-1-d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiC1bPl7NrjAhVReKwKHRBdB7sQ_AUIEigC&biw=1227&bih=586#imgrc=BKwOheaSH3rywM:

Byleth had been dating Annette’s father for a while now because that's just the kind of person Byleth was apparently. If Leonie could steal dads so could Byleth. Anyway Byleth loved Gilbert a lot. His type was DILFS obviously. SO it was only natural that Byleth would want to tie the knot sooner or later. Today was sooner.

Byleth considered how he should propose for days. It was a real conundrum. An enigma. Byleth couldn’t figure out how he wanted to propose to his diddly daddy. All he knew was that it had to be special. Sure Byleth could be normal and propose with the ring his dad has given him that represented many happy years of his parents being together and had actual emotional weight. But that was too easy. Too tame. Too simple. And Byleth was in no way a tame or simple guy, unfortunately. If only Seiros could intervene.... Or Seteth or Rhea or Jeralt OR LITERALLY ANYONE!!!

After spending several nights in the cathedral asking the goddess what would be the right way to pop the question the choir director kicked Byleth out for ‘disrupting the peace’ whatever that meant. Byleth didn’t know. He had the social constipation of rabid platypus. Venomous spurs and all.

After being kicked out of the goddess’s sight Byleth finally had a revelation. The answer had been staring him in the face the whole time! Well ok no that was Sothis but ALSO the answer! Byleth knew the perfect thing to give to Gilbert. It wasn’t a pretty ring that actually signified marriage and meant something to his father. It was something far FAR more practical! 

Something Gilbert would be sure to use and something that would surely ease the wedding night plans along! Byleth barely had any emotions but he was pretty sure he felt on in the moment and it was complete and utter euphoria at having the best idea ever. Byleth hurried to the blacksmith to push the order, completely ready to waste all of his money on this.

A few days later Byleth was completely ready and prepared for his proposal. He had waited till it was sunset and asked Gilbert the wait for him at the fishing pond. Maybe the fish could entice Gilbert to say yes you never know. Plus the view was nice probably. And hey if they happened to catch a fish while they were there that could be used to increase Byleth’s support levels with others than hey that would just be a bonus. Definitely not the main reason for picking this spot. Surely.

Gilbert stood there waiting for Byleth. He stared out longingly at the water. Wow what a snacc Byleth couldn't wait to tap this man. 

Byleth walked up to Gilbert and announced himself by placing a hand on the man’s shoulder. 

“Oh hello Byleth,” Gilbert offered him a small smile. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Byleth handed Gilbert a box in response, saying nothing but staring into Gilbert’s eyes expectantly like he wanted Gilbert to open the box.

“A gift? Thank you very much I accept-” Gilbert opened the box and his eyes widened at its contents. “Byleth what… what is this?” 

Inside the box was pristine and shiny vaseline armor, made especially for Gilbert. Byleth had been sure to ask Annette for all of Gilbert’s measurements to ensure the armor was perfectly sculpted to his beloved’s form. Of course, Annette didn’t actually know her father’s measurements so Byleth had to take measuring into his own hands but how he did that that wasn’t important. “It is meant to signify my proposal to you. I want to marry you. People typically give each other things when they propose. Do they not?”

  
  


“I see… You’re not wrong but typically things such as well… rings are given. Not…. this strange armor…”  _ Try dating  _ they said.  _ It’ll be fun _ they said.  _ Get remarried  _ they said.  _ It’ll be fun  _ they said.

“So do you accept?” Byleth prompted and Gilbert just stared at him for a moment. Well Byleth was a handsome young man. Eccentric and weird as well but Gilbert was a deadbeat dad so….. Could he really do any better? 

“...Yes I would be happy to,” Gilbert finally answered. He smiled a little. Might as well live a little. The two embraced each other. Hahahaha this was still fucking weird though.

  
“What the everloving fuck?” Jeralt said, dumbfounded. He had been there the whole fucking time trying to fish. Why was his son hugging Gilbert, a man twice his age, and WHY had he just proposed with  _ vaseline _ armor?  _ What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck _ -


End file.
